Humbled Into Surrender, I Can Access My True Essence

Enjoying simple pleasures like lying in bed, wearing cargo pants, and eating whatever I want

Mar 26, 2023

Softly now, please. The world is so loud and harsh and I’m sensitive. Some days I feel ignited, others I feel I’m wilting. There are constant jolts of mania induced by frantic fear and the need to keep up with a capitalistic society. Some mornings I wake up on fire. Some mornings I wake up in a ditch. And when it all feels unbearable, I close my eyes tightly.

In my mind I’m laying on her lap in a breakfast nook. The mother, who is also me, strokes my hair and sings shhhh while the wind chimes twinkle lazily. My eyes gaze at the dust particles floating in a ray of sun coming through the window. I can smell the age of the wood, dust, mold, and the dried herbs hanging near copper pots and jars of preserved harvests. The mother hums and I feel the deep drone from her chest as I twirl the string hanging from the hem of her skirt. The big breath I take catches and shudders, signaling the end of my tears. She looks down at me knowingly. I avoid eye contact hoping to prolong this moment.

I was in the mothers lap because I was crying. And now I’m not crying. Yet the idea of sitting up straight seems cold and painful. Just a little longer, please. Let my ear stay crushed into your thigh. Maintain the quiet, the still. Keep stroking my hair and humming.

But she rises. And I sit up, one side of my face red and covered in creases reminiscent of folded fabric. My ear rings and un-suctions as full hearing is restored. My eyes feel dizzy for a moment as the blood moves down my body. Then, I wipe my puffy, wet eyes with a tingling hand. I sniffle and blink as the hollowness returns.

With a deep sigh, I turn my head to look out the window. The flowers smile at me, glowing and sparkling. I walk barefoot outside onto the dirt and grass. The hollowness is filled with solar warmth and the smell of earth. Stroking a flower, I start to hum from my upper register.

I’ll feel hollow again as the sun sets, but there will be warm food and drink to fill me again.

When I open my eyes I’m sitting on a stool at the kitchen counter. The cold flatbread I’m consuming goes down like a pill without water. I turn on the electric kettle to brew some tea before I climb back into my bed at 10am and sob heavily into my blankets. I leave for work in two hours where I’ll be greeted with a “How are you?”

“I’m good.” I’ll reply and smile. “How are you?”

- Written 2/23/23

Greetings,

I am sending you all a long hug, a deep breath, and knowing eye contact in these expansive and uncertain times. I have lots of love for each and every one of you who takes a moment to read the words I share. What a gift it is to have you as a witness, your attention is a treasure.

Today I’d like to share what’s been happening in my life…

Pisces season recap:

2/23/23:

“I am not sad, but I am tender” I type to my friend while lying on my bed at 11:40am. I have a warm, wet rag on my right shin- doctors orders.

I have an infection! ~infection~ which has slowed me down and tenderized my being. My energy is depleted, it’s being used to send blood cells and whatever else to the toxic scene that is my infected wound. I would be lying if I told you it was anything but a sweet excuse to melt into a puddle of emotion, nostalgia, and humility. An excuse to vacation from my endless attempts at acquiring a new job and more money and whatever else I’ve been forcing. I’ve felt in control- which is hilarious, and I’m thankful for the reminder that I’m not. What a burden it would be to be in control of my life.

I am also weepy. I miss my family and want to stay hidden in my room while I lick my wounds (figuratively!). Yet, when I suffer from a wound or illness I can access deeper poetry within myself. With the forced stillness and the acceptance of my limits- I resort to diving inside instead of reaching outward. What grace we are given to be blessed with imagination! When I curse my mind for running incessantly, I must remember it is that same engine that grants me hope, poetry, and the ability to travel time and space while lying in my bed.

In February I was hired by the local university to serve my Radiant Heart tea blend, create and altar, and teach others how to create a sacred space in their home. The event was called Nourish The Heart and it was held on Valentines Day (Feb. 14). This was my first time getting paid for offering herbal services, it was affirming and it opened possibilities in my mind around how to share my work with the world. The combination of herbalism, ritual, and teaching combines most of my skills and interests. I am extremely grateful for the experience.

In early March I went on two Hinge dates. There was no follow up and I am relieved. Dates are a lot of energy! I was not compatible with either of them, and I am proud of myself for letting go instead of contorting myself to keep them interested.

My Saturn return ended in early March, it feels like a bittersweet graduation. I do feel older, more settled, calm. I also grieve what I’ve grown out of. I am still learning and changing, but the tone is different. Like when learning guitar clicks and playing becomes practice.

Currently I realize:

It’s not that serious and I do not need to be the best. Just show up. It is that simple.

I am showing up casually these days. My hair makes me look like a character from Golden Girls and I have a weird infection on my leg. Mostly, I have been going out in cargo pants and a simple sweater (instead of a ~fashionable~ outfit). I am not trying to have a certain type of physique. Being witty, cool, or pretty doesn’t interest me right now.

When I go back to basics like this I feel more beautiful. My eyes shine and my nervous system is relaxed. I have the capacity to research herbs, write, and sing with people. Being present is easy, effortless.

I look forward to ending the day by watching Avatar the Last Airbender in my bed while eating a little cookie. It is easy to eat 3 meals a day when I do not care what they are. Meeting people is less intimidating because I’m not worried they’ll see past the character I crafted to impress them. When I am in deep authenticity, sharing my voice feels like a simple task.

I spend my Saturdays singing in a choir of older women or walking among wildflowers. Evenings are spent cooking or doing homework. I honor and acknowledge my ancestors daily in different ways. I journal, meditate, and workout…sometimes. Sometimes I have nothing to say, and I don’t feel the need to force it. Of course there are days all this goes out the window, and I think I’m failing miserably at everything, but those days are more and more rare.

Alyssa’s List

The playlist I have on repeat is: Spring Nostalgia (Spotify) It has a Phoebe Bridgers meets Big Thief meets Townes Van Zandt vibe.
Avatar The Last Airbender: I am watching the entire season for the first time since it came out on Nickelodeon. I love the vibe of the show, so wholesome and inspirational. I like the Asian feel and incorporation of elemental wisdom. I was watching the water chapter during Pisces season and I am now on the fire chapter during Aries season.
Choirs: As some of you may know, I am a member of Threshold Choir. It is a choir that sings at the bedsides of dying people. My local chapter is mostly older women (ages 60+). We sing short, healing songs with lots of harmonies.
I also recently sang with the Stop Cop City Choir. We recorded a few songs that will be sent to the forest defenders to uplift their spirits and comfort them. We will also be using the songs to fundraise for the Weelaunee Defense Fund.
Singing harmonies and singing in groups is profoundly healing to the nervous system. I encourage everyone to find ways to sing in groups (even just 2 people). You don’t have to be a “singer,” singing is for everyone and it is ancient medicine. When I have felt my lowest, it was this medicine that infused me with hope, gratitude, and love.
Here is the Stop Cop City Linktree:
Stop Cop City Linktree
There are links to donate to defenders’ funeral costs and legal funds, you can sign petitions and email city officials/funders, and you can learn more about the movement and why it is a national…even global cause.
Ceramics: I have recently acquired some ceramic pieces that are special to me. My roommate is a talented potter. They gifted me two beautiful vessels, and our home is filled with their art which is a blessing. Their company name is Little Volcano Ceramics.
Click here to see the Little Volcano Ceramics instagram
I also bought a magnificent ceramic cup at a local market. I am in love with the character/spirit drawn on the pieces. The maker is Trouble Maker Pottery. Here is a photo of what I bought:
Click here to visit the Trouble Maker Pottery website
Trader Joe’s Taiwanese scallion pancakes. Listen, they are perfect. A breakfast, a snack, a wrap, whatever! I have to stop myself from eating them for every meal. They are a staple in our home.
I make linen spray using alcohol (Everclear) and essential oils. You can also make room sprays with water instead of alcohol. Get a spray bottle (I reused a facial mist bottle). Fill the bottle with alcohol or water and add 10 drops of essential oil per 1oz of liquid. Be mindful of pets and which essential oils are safe for them (many are not)!
We have orange blossoms blooming in our backyard right now. The smell is divine!
Herbal/plant allies of the moment: Rosemary, Garlic, Tulsi, Calendula, Cayenne, Alfalfa, Lavender, Peppermint, Dandelion greens